Who is That Masked Man?
One of the things I picked up from this past New York Comic Con was an old luchador movie, Blue Demon vs. Podor Satanico (Blue Demon vs. the Satanic Power). Just this week I got around to watching it, in fabulous black and white with a total lack of subtitles. Let it be known: I do not speak Spanish. Not a word. This very fact thrilled me. I would experience the film entirely visually, unsullied by dialog or exposition. This was to be a pure experience, in the purest sense of the word.
To fully document this momentous achievement, I decided to log my viewing (split over two nights) of the film. I do this not for myself but for the cultural enrichment of future generations… Let’s get ready to rumble!
0:00 Opening credits set against a pair of staring masked eyes.
2:35 I think we’re in a monastery – it looks like something out of a Vincent Price horror film. A guy in a beard is talking very sternly to a clean-shaven man who is inexplicably smiling.
3:45 Cut to the smiling guy and somebody (a prisoner by the striped pajamas and fast food hat he’s wearing) looking very nervous behind bars. Smiling guy is in the cell too, talking and smiling and reading something. The only word I catch is “muerte”.
Smiling Guy aka “Smiley”
6:15 Prisoner guy starts cackling madly. I have no idea why. But he sees something to shut him up. I get the feeling he’s on death row and his stay is about to end. Here comes a priest. The priest is not smiling. Neither is the prisoner anymore.
7:30 Prisoner is getting his walk down the green mile. Cut to Smiley going into some sort of trance – or he’s deciding to take a nap – very slowly. He’s still napping when the priest comes back for him. Cut to a doctor arriving. I guess he’s not well.
9:12 Somebody’s walking the doctor out, I think they’re discussing the weather.
9:40 Either Smiley is dead or they always move their sick on stretchers directly into a coffin with a little glass window in it.
10:10 Two civil war era soldiers in the mist. They put Smiley in the ground. There’s a voice-over. Is it Smiley?
10:40 50 Years later…
11:40 I think they’re digging up Smiley. I can’t figure out why.
12:05 Yep and he repays one of the diggers by lunging at him.
12:20 Cut to the ring. Two masked men set to go at it in the squared circle. One of them is the Blue Demon.
13:15 For some reason, they like to do the same move over and over and over.
The first of many, many, many backbreakers.
13:40 Backbreakers galore then some sort of weird figure-four move for a pin fall.
14:13 2 out of 3 falls? Or are they just looping the same footage? I think they’re looping. Gotta be looping. Looping… Looping.
15:10 To the dressing room!
15:21 Smiley’s walking through the fog. Of course it’s foggy. Of course.
16:05 A skeleton is leaning against a wall. It looks like a cave. Which doesn’t exactly explain the skeleton.
17:05 It looks like Smiley’s gone back to the spooky church. Man, some spiders had to work overtime for those cob webs. Was it fifty years or five hundred? Hey set guy, lighten up on the webbing, save some cotton.
18:30 More Smiley voice-over.
18:40 Back to wrestling. Please god, no more head scissors, weird leaping headlocks, or backbreakers.
19:30 Ah, the monkey flip, how I’ve missed you.
19:40 Couldn’t stay away from the head scissors, could you? Could you!?!
20:10 Do these guys know only four moves?
20:45 This time our blue friend wins with a boston crab. Another two fall match, another replay of the first match? Maybe not.
21:30 The guy is dancing on Blue’s head.
22:10 Some back and forth and, thankfully, no head scissors…
22:30 Non-Blue is bloodied.
23:10 They suddenly cut to another boston crab. Blue wins again!
23:30 Guy and girl walking home.. They’re in love so clearly they’re doomed. Right on cue, Smiley arrives on the scene. His gaze – they can’t look away! Oh gods, his crazy dead man stare!
It’s the look of love.
24:45 Smiley strangles the guy and takes the girl. It’s been fifty cold, lonely years for Smiley.
25:45 Two guys talking about something, I think it was murder. Did they find the body? The scene was so dark, I couldn’t see anything but the brim of their hats.
26:30 Smiley has his bride, or at least a somewhat willing concubine.
27:05 She’s disrobing. A Nice bra and panties setup. Smiley moves in for some tonsil tennis.
28:05 He puts her on the bed and cut to: some guy talking to Blue on a very large phone. As you might expect, Blue is still wearing his mask.
28:55 That was fast. Smiley’s already had his way with the young dish. She’s already got a change of clothes on, don’t ask me from where.
30:20 Smiley’s back for round 2. I can’t figure it out – is Smiley a vampire, a demon, or what?
30:45 Blue shows up for a face to face, masked, caped, topless. It’s an outfit of power. I think he might have known the deceased boyfriend. Not sure though.
31:50 Smiley and Bride of Smiley taking part in some ritual. Lots of fire and Smiley smiling. The girl starts to freak out. The super-imposed flames rise higher!
33:00 Blue is reading a book. Same outfit as before. There’s a voice-over which I’m sure would be extremely helpful if only I understood a word of it. I don’t.
33:50 Another phone call. One camera angle zooms into the top of a guy’s head. Nice receding hairline, pal.
34:15 Cut to the Mexican Cher (Sonny and Cher era), mouthing really badly to some pop tune and doing a dance I can’t even describe, like a modified shuffle except she doesn’t move. There’s something uncomfortably robotic about it. Her beehive is strong though, very strong.
35:50 Now a guy pops out of the audience to dance. Here’s Mexican Sonny Bono.
36:25 And heeeeere’s Smiley!
Smiley’s got you, babe.
36:57 Smiley is kind enough to let the song finish before he makes his diabolical move.
37:45 Mexican Diana Ross can’t take her eyes off Smiley. Oh, you playboy, you, Smiley.
38:15 She follows Smiley out while the hip cats in the bar dance like its 1959.
39:15 They’re still dancing.
39:30 Still dancing.
39:45 Still dancing.
40:00 Still dancing.
40:15 Still dancing.
40:30 The dance finally ends.
40:40 Sunrise or sundown? Smiley is playing piano. He’s a cultured vampire… or demon… or whatever.
40:45 Bride #2. The beehive is now a satanic beehive. There’s not much of a difference. Really.
41:30 Drinks at the long table. Smiley has an impressive set of goblets. He’s one smooth operator.
42:20 His and her pewter pitchers!
42:45 More voice-overs.
44:15 Smiley takes the Mexican supreme to perform another fire overlay ritual. And then a voice-over.
45:17 Cut to the blue demon, reading some religious looking texts. The sequins in his vest really set off his studious nature.
He’s a Renaissance Wrestler.
46:05 Smiley and the blue have some sort of meeting of the minds. Smiley doesn’t like what he sees.
46:15 Another wrestling match. Blue’s opponent, unmasked, does this weird muscle-spasm flex dance.
46:47 Dare I guess? Leg scissors? Ooh, Smiley is in the audience. Random close-ups of Smiley and voice-overs. It’s hurting blue’s in-ring concentration… or something.
48:00 Back to backbreakers… at least no head scissors yet. Yet.
48:15 Smiley doesn’t like it, it’s as if Blue is back-breaking his very soul, or lack thereof.
48:45 After another Smiley close-up, the match goes briefly outside. Blue wins by a count out? That’s pretty weak.
49:40 The guy never gest up. In comes the doctor, he’s dead, Jim. What’s jim in Spanish?
50:10 Some gangster looking guy and a suit have a random conversation. I have no idea who they are.
50:30 To the bar!
50:50 Smiley’s looking to bag another singer. He really supports the arts. I can get behind that.
52:10 She’s moving through the crowd, everyone’s hoping she doesn’t stop at their table.
52:15 A random table conversation.
52:50 She’s caught Smiley’s eye. It’s over.
53:35 A newspaper proclaims Blue innocent of murder.
53:40 Blue consults with another masked demon.
54:10 Back to the ring!
54:30 So far, Blue is getting pummeled. Thankfully, no head scissors.
55:00 These guys love to repeat their moves over and over and over. This guy is a full nelson machine.
55:30 Finally, some different moves!
56:10 Some late offense nets Blue the first fall.
57:05 Back to the full nelsons…
57:30 There’s the head scissors…
58:20 Some sort of flying head-butt knocks out the full nelson guy. Blue wins again. Full Nelson doesn’t like it.
59:00 He’s really not taking it well.
59:15 Blue is finally on Smiley’s trail? Or is he just wandering in the dark?
01:00:00 Smiley enjoying a cold goblet at the dinner table with mistress #3 or is it #4? It’s so hard to tell.
01:00:40 It must be time to light her fire… literally.
01:00:55 But, first, a speech!
01:01:48 Nope, Demon is back home reading. He must have just been wandering in the dark. I think he’s telling us something via voice-over. I’m sure it’s dreadfully important. He’s got a sculpture that looks like a stylized version of the gimp from Pulp Fiction.
01:03:00 Blue shows up at Smiley’s, unannounced I’m sure.
01:03:30 He’s investigating. He’s wearing his investigator’s cape.
01:04:00 Blue makes a phone call… Wait, wait, Smiley’s got phone service!?!
01:05:00 He talks to Mr. Receding Hairline then hangs up abruptly.
01:05:45 Smiley’s onto him. He attacks Blue with his mind!
01:06:10 I think he’s given Blue a stomach ache.
01:06:30 They show a shot of Smiley looking through some sort of glass- then they pour some clear lotion over it. Am I supposed to be scared or aroused or both?
01:07:40 Smiley commands Blue and he goes. If Smiley applied himself to the squared-circle, he could be the champ. He’s got that kind of potential.
01:08:00 Smiley is gloating now.
01:08:50 I think Smiley is going to command Blue to walk off the roof of the church. Blue is not resisting.
01:10:10 Blue shakes it off, jumps off the ledge with cat-like grace. He shakes his head and says something to Smiley. Smiley runs.
01:11:00 The chase is on.
01:11:30 Blue is in the cave with a couple of friends. I assume they’re tracking Smiley, that or spelunking.
01:12:30 They’ve followed Smiley back to his lair. Smiley is running out of hiding places.
01:13:50 Smiley has totally lost his composure.
01:14:58 Blue is hot on the trail. His two doofus friends don’t have a clue.
01:16:30 They finally find Smiley- he’s wasted away of his own accord. Blue says something smart about it. Obviously, I have no idea what. I feel robbed. No epic Smiley-Blue showdown? No head-scissoring of the undead? Boo, I say, boo.
I gotta say, I was underwhelmed: no love interest, no wrestling outside the ring, nothing approaching a chase, fight, or other action scene; and Blue never even attempted to head-scissor Smiley. Heck, Blue’s only achievement, that I could see, was accidentally preventing Smiley from seducing yet another Mexican torch singer thus killing him through starvation. And how often does Smiley need to feed, anyway? He was hammering those girls almost two at a time!
Blue was too high-falutin’ a luchador, sitting around reading ancient tomes of lore when he should have been out breaking heads. I wanted a more workman-like luchador, a luchador who gets his hands dirty, whose willing to suplex anyone and everyone on a turnbuckle run towards the truth, before knocking it down with a shoulder thrust and giving it two or three stern elbow drops and then glaring down the crowd. This was not that film. No, this was not that film.
What do you think?